March 24, 2012

The Signature Dance Move

Dear Men, 

    You know that move that you have practiced over and over alone in your room?  Yeah you need to keep it there.  If you think you have one move that looks really cool when you bust it out on the dance floor, then you thought wrong.  There are so many more unattractive things in the world than this, but this is still VERY unattractive.  The signature dance move or the SDM as I like to call it can really kill the mood.  If I am talking to a dude at a bar and when “his song comes on” and he moves to the dance floor…  I just turn my back and either leave or discontinue conversation for the rest of the night because I know what is going to happen and I am not going to like it.  I just want to know why?  Just tell me why!?!?!  Unless you are a professionally trained dancer you shouldn’t have a dance move that you feel the need to perform.  

Weddings seem to be a very popular signature dance move event.  This is almost the only place where it is acceptable.

I once dated a guy that had a signature dance move that I didn’t know about, after a few dates we went to a place with loud music for a drink and it was there that I saw it.  I didn’t know what to do, the walls were closing in.  People were looking!!  How could I let this get by me?!  He seemed so normal… it ruined everything.  I left.  I never went back, and I never spoke to him again.

Point is.  Signature dance moves are lame.  

Thank you,

Management  

December 20, 2011

I’m Back by Unpopular Demand!

Dearest Readers, 

If you haven’t lost faith in me I would like to take the time to say… I am back.  I am sorry for leaving all of you.  It is true, I was in a relationship that ended and how was I supposed to write a blog about being single if I myself was not?  I love you all far too much to lie to you!  BUT!  That ship has sailed and without saying too much else about my relationship it is time to start back on my journey.

Thank you, 

Management. 

December 20, 2011

Bum Hands.

Today I would like to shine light on a little something I like to call Bum Hands.  For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about allow me to explain.  Bum Hands are when attractive men, unattractive men, and bums decide for one reason or another to cut the fingers off of their mittens to keep their palms warm.  This is a style I have never understood (Girls don’t count).  Why do you just want to keep your palms warm?  But that isn’t the real problem here.  The real problem is that I already have a major problem shaking a mans hand at a bar because I feel that they don’t wash them after they go to the restroom, now when they are wearing these stupid gloves it is a no brainer that they aren’t removing them when they pull out their pecker for a wee.  Why?  Because that would just take way too much time, and you know for sure they aren’t washing their hands because how do you wash your hands with mittens on?  So they walk out carrying their penis germs all over their hands, then meet you and try and shake your hand.  Its rude, its like forcing a woman to touch your penis against her will.  Don’t be afraid to leave a man with bum hands hangin’ when he tries to greet you with a handshake.  I DON’T WANT TO TOUCH YOUR PENIS DUDE!  In fact spare me because I don’t really want to shake your hand at all and if you have bum hands forget it, don’t even bother talking to me.  Walk away buddy… walk away. 

Thank you, 

Management. 

August 22, 2011

Shave That Shit.

I recently moved from Brentwood to Echo Park.  Now if you know the greater Los Angeles area then you know that these are two very different places.  Since I have been here I have started to notice a trend that needs to stop.  It needs to stop right here, right now.  

Ladies, why are you refusing to shave your armpits?  It is gross, and the men who say they like it only say that because you are probably the best they can get so they look beyond the fact that you have a small animal growing in your armpit.

Not only is it just plain disgusting but it is rude.  The other night I was trying to enjoy a Umami Burger (the spicy bird.. its not on the menu but its amazing) and I was sitting out side.  Now if you have ever been there then you know the outside tables are very close to each other and every time I looked to my right I was forced to look at a woman with nasty, sweaty, black armpit hair.  What I didn’t understand was that her legs were shaved.  If you can take the time to shave your legs then why can’t you just take care of the pits too?  You know… kill two birds with one stone?  

Now, I get maybe having a little stubble here and there, and in the winter all women are guilty of letting it all grow out a bit if they aren’t getting laid.  But this… this is…. 

Anyhow, I couldn’t finish my burger.  I couldn’t eat and look at her pits.  I mean if you are going to go unshaved in public at least wear sleeves.  But it wasn’t just that woman, I have seen 5 women in the past month who are refusing to shave their pits.  It takes less than 15 seconds in the shower to go that extra mile.  It isn’t attractive, people don’t think you are cool, and “different” because you don’t shave your armpits.  They just hope that eventually you will get a grip, pull yourself together and GET RID OF IT!  YOU ARE THE PURPLE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!  WE AREN’T IN EUROPE AND IT ISN’T COOL THERE EITHER!

To all of those women who are refusing to take care of their armpits I am begging you to rethink.  You look like you smell, and you probably do.  So quit being a smelly girl.  

Thank you, 

Management

August 2, 2011

From Single To….

This has been something on my mind now for quite some time now.  At what point do you change your relationship status on Facebook, and why do you do it?  I personally no matter how much I love the man I am with would never change my status from nothing to in a relationship and trust me no one cares.  I think the people who instantly change their status as soon as they decide they are in fact in a serious committed relationship do it for a few reasons. 

A. To prove to others that they are getting laid on the regular.

B. If it is a girl or a gay man then it is to mark your territory.  Similar how certain animals piss all over things.  If you are her/his boyfriend then you just got peed on buddy. 

C. If you are a straight boy doing it then you are probably trying to make someone else jealous, which is just weird. 

There are those cases where people claim they do it just because they are so in love that they want the world to know.  Well… the world doesn’t care.  The world also doesn’t care about the photos you take together with one arm in the air holding the camera above you laying in bed.  We get it. 

But now, what happens when you break up?  The world is going to know that too when it says “so and so went from in a relationship to single”.  Sure you are going to get a couple of friends postings things on your wall like.. “aw, sorry.  Lets get drunk!”, or “yay! finally I have my friend back!”.  But you know you only did that so the person on the other end of the break up would be upset that its over.  Weird-O.

If I go onto a mans facebook (because I am a facebook stalker and if we are dating then trust me I checked your shit out) and it says anything about once having a status update about being in a relationship THEN ITS OVER BUDDY YOU ARE CUT OFF!  And what is up with “It’s complicated”?  What do you mean its fucking complicated?  You are either together or you are not.  Plain and simple.

I find that when women put “its complicated” on their status it really just means that she has this guy who comes over every once in a while and has sex with her and then when she meets him out at a bar she gets drunk and confesses her love for him and he tells her he doesn’t want to be her boyfriend but still goes home with her and has sex with her because she is easy and doesn’t have a backbone. (thank you run-on sentence)  In which case you look pathetic home girl.

If you are married it is different.  You don’t count.  Snaps for people who find that special someone.  But for those who aren’t stay away from the relationship department on facebook.  Trust me.  It will make your life easier and your friends as well when they don’t have to deal with your facebook baggage anymore. 

Thank you, 

Management. 

June 10, 2011

The Wedding Hook-Up

I very recently attended a very large wedding.  It was a beautiful, perfect in every way sort of wedding.  The Wedding was held at a very hip hotel which seems to be booked a lot for this type of event.  Saturday night was the night of the wedding I attended and the following night there was a large wedding as well.  So there were two wedding parties staying at the hotel.  It was packed.  Luckily at this place they had an adult pool and a children’s pool. 

Now me being the pale person that I am, during most of the day I wanted to lay by the pool and sun my white ass.  But this turned out to be far more interesting than it sounds.  As I was laying by the pool I noticed a man/child who was part of the other wedding (thank god!).  He layed there and told the woman to keep the drinks coming as he blasted shitty music from his personal boom box.  He drank, and did cannon balls into the pool and hit on every chick that swam by.  So I thought to myself “who the hell would sleep with a man like that?” and then… his equal walked in.  She was the sort of girl that spends too much time at the gym, likes nascar, plays tennis a bit too aggressively, and shaves every hair off of her box.  Now they didn’t know each other at first.  They were strangers, but I watched him zone in on her.  Sure enough by the end of the day he was talking her up.  I could only imagine what they were talking about.

The next day (saturday) the day of the wedding I was attended I went back to the pool for a bit more sun.  The man/child of course was already there sipping on his bloody mary….

I laid down, and went about my business and then I saw the girl walk in.  She was all over him!  I mean it looked like they had been dating for weeks.  Kissing him, rubbing his shaved head, massaging his neck.  BARFFFFFFF!!!!!!  But just then it dawned on me.  These two people will probably never talk again.  But for the weekend they are in love because that is what weddings do to people.  You go to a wedding as  single person and you have a weekend relationship with someone.  It’s hard for me to believe that this guy could find a woman in the real world due to the level of douche he is at.  But at a wedding it makes perfect sense!  Girls (even terrible girls) will make terrible decisions because they are at a wedding.  It’s as if single women wedding attendants are like ships, in every day life they are moving along through the water just fine and then the ship ports at a wedding and its like the Bermuda Triangle.  They don’t know which direction they are going but damnit the love is in the air and they want someone to do the electric slide with and clearly anyone will do!!!!  

My advice to all the single people attending a wedding is to not like the smell of romance enter your body.  Yes its romantic, two people uniting.  I get it… but when you wake up the next day and get on the flight home as you look through your pictures on your digital camera.  Do you really want to remember so-and-so’s wedding as the weekend you hooked up with that guy/girl?  Probably not.

P.S.

Just because you are at a wedding doesn’t mean you can’t get herpes. 

May 25, 2011 • 2 notes

fL.A.vorless

In a city like L.A. there are two types of men.  The man who dances to the beat of his own drum, and the man who dances to the beat of the drum of the man who dances to the beat of his own drum.  Whew… still with me?  Great.  

What I mean is that there happens to be a big difference between a man who has flavor and a man who is fL.A.vorless.  A man who has flavor has a sense of style, enjoys good music, good food, good people, has a good job, probably was in the school band or something similar, and does what he wants when he wants because he is a man damnit!  A man who is fL.A.vorless LOVES the song the song ‘Pumped Up Kicks’, has a closet full of clothes that follow one trend to another, goes to places like Voyeur, dates girls who are just like him but with fake hair which he only wishes he could have himself, and orders his meat well done when he takes his date to BOA steak house.  

A well done steak has NO flavor and neither do you buddy.

These men are hiding everywhere, and they are good and tricking you into thinking they are well rounded, but a well rounded flavorful man would never order a well done piece of meat.  If a man orders his steak well done these are some things you should never expect from him. 

  • oral sex
  • going to eat sushi/oral sex
  • going to a museum/oral sex 
  • taking a bike ride on a nice summer day/oral sex

Get where I am going with this?

Good. 

So to all of those men who want flavor… give up.  It’s something that comes naturally.  If you don’t have it, you just don’t have it and you never will. 

May 24, 2011
Dear Men,  If you are of a certain age then its time to put down the ping pong ball.  If you are 30 years old and still playing beer pong on the weekends with “the boys” then you need to take a long look at yourself in the mirror and say “what the fuck am I doing?”.  You then need to pull your pants down to check and make sure all of those steroids your took in college haven’t made your penis too tiny.  Women don’t think its “sexy” or “hot” when a guy asks her to come back to his place to play beer pong after a 15 minute conversation.  That is unless you are at a bar in westwood on a 2 for 1 night.  Then you probably have a chance.  So spare yourself, and spare me too.  Oh I also don’t want to go back to your house to…  See your pool. Check out the bar you had installed. Take a cruise on your mini bike.  Play wii. Or look at your new car.  In fact, after 15 minutes of conversation with you I just want you to go away bro.  Quit being such a bro!!!!! Thank you,  Management 

Dear Men, 

If you are of a certain age then its time to put down the ping pong ball.  If you are 30 years old and still playing beer pong on the weekends with “the boys” then you need to take a long look at yourself in the mirror and say “what the fuck am I doing?”.  You then need to pull your pants down to check and make sure all of those steroids your took in college haven’t made your penis too tiny.  Women don’t think its “sexy” or “hot” when a guy asks her to come back to his place to play beer pong after a 15 minute conversation.  That is unless you are at a bar in westwood on a 2 for 1 night.  Then you probably have a chance.  So spare yourself, and spare me too.  Oh I also don’t want to go back to your house to… 

See your pool.

Check out the bar you had installed.

Take a cruise on your mini bike. 

Play wii.

Or look at your new car. 

In fact, after 15 minutes of conversation with you I just want you to go away bro.  Quit being such a bro!!!!!

Thank you, 

Management 

April 15, 2011
I look back on all of the dates I have been on in the last year.  Some were really good, some were terrible.  But at what point do you just give up?  People say opposites attract, so I have tried to date the men to over groom and drive nice cars that they can’t probably afford and they don’t work.  They also say that the more you have in common with someone the better the relationship works.  But the men I have something in common with are always way too good for me.  I think the world sometimes breeds people like myself who are just supposed to be alone.  Not like a cat lady, but just a woman who is alone.  It seems sad, but really I am coming to terms with it.  I guess I get the best of both worlds really.  I get to go out with my friends, have a good time, and then every once in a blue moon find a man who wants to cuddle up to me for a couple months.  Also, with this day and age I don’t even have to have sex to get pregnant if I decide when I am a successful woman I want a baby.  So maybe to master the art of dating you really just have to master the art of being alone.  In which case I am Van Gogh.   It sounds tragic.  But if you are a woman in LA and you don’t have a daddy who is worth millions of dollars then it can be difficult to find a beau to take you seriously.  So my advice to all of the women out there who are looking for love in LA.  Forget about it.  Just get used to being single.  If you aren’t in love with this city though then go down to Orange County or up to San Fran.  I feel like people are long termers there.   

I look back on all of the dates I have been on in the last year.  Some were really good, some were terrible.  But at what point do you just give up?  People say opposites attract, so I have tried to date the men to over groom and drive nice cars that they can’t probably afford and they don’t work.  They also say that the more you have in common with someone the better the relationship works.  But the men I have something in common with are always way too good for me.  I think the world sometimes breeds people like myself who are just supposed to be alone.  Not like a cat lady, but just a woman who is alone.  It seems sad, but really I am coming to terms with it.  I guess I get the best of both worlds really.  I get to go out with my friends, have a good time, and then every once in a blue moon find a man who wants to cuddle up to me for a couple months.  Also, with this day and age I don’t even have to have sex to get pregnant if I decide when I am a successful woman I want a baby.  So maybe to master the art of dating you really just have to master the art of being alone.  In which case I am Van Gogh.   

It sounds tragic.  But if you are a woman in LA and you don’t have a daddy who is worth millions of dollars then it can be difficult to find a beau to take you seriously.  So my advice to all of the women out there who are looking for love in LA.  Forget about it.  Just get used to being single.  If you aren’t in love with this city though then go down to Orange County or up to San Fran.  I feel like people are long termers there.   

April 2, 2011
So I was on the phone with a very good girlfriend of mine and after a long conversation that went late into the night it finally turned to guys.  Now this friend of mine is beautiful, like super hot.  We grew up together and when I was in an awkward, unattractive, chunky phase in my life hanging out with her gave me confidence so it was weird to listen to her tell me how unconfident she is when it comes to men.  I asked her where here balls were.  Where are they?  Where have they gone?  She couldn’t give me an answer.  I am a moderately attractive person now and I don’t have a problem getting dates.  But I wasn’t always like this.  Getting here was a process.  No I didn’t go under the knife, but I just finally decided that men are FAR more simple than women make them out to be (sorry fellas).   So I am going to tell you the steps that I take when I find a man that I am attracted to.  Its pretty simple and I hope that it helps.  You may say… “yeah right, she doesn’t do this”.  But… I do.  Want to know why?  Because I have balls.  And what is the worst thing they are going to do?  Say no?   Step 1. You see a hottie at the bar, party, job (that can be risky) that you are at.  You need to instantly make eye contact.  Just look him in the eyes damnit!  This makes him aware of your presence.  He may look away really quickly, and thats okay.  Most guys are shy and if he just keeps looking at you then he is probably a clinger in which case find another hottie. Step 2. If you see him sitting at the bar waiting for a drink then go over.  But don’t talk to him right away.  Let him order a drink first then make a comment on it.  Like if he orders a Grey Goose and soda when he gets the drink say something really lame like.. “I’m a Kettle One girl myself, this will never work”.  I know, I know it seems reallllllly lame.  But its a joke and honestly if a guy did that to me I would be like ummm.  But there is a double standard for women THANK GOD.  With the research I have done it usually works like a charm.  He will laugh, or at least smile which is when you can check out his teeth and make sure there isn’t anything missing.   Step 3. Walk away.  Get your drink and walk away.  I DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR EXCUSE IS JUST WALK AWAY GO BACK TO YOUR FRIENDS.  This will leave him in a state of question.  He will look over to see where you went. Step 4.  Forget about him, because if he didn’t offer to buy your drink then he isn’t interested.   JUST KIDDING! But stay away for a bit then after you have finished that glass of liquid courage go back over for another one.  Order your drink and then just talk to him about anything that comes to your mind.  If you like his shirt tell him that you like hit shirt.  If there is a guy wearing flip flops at the bar tell him that you can’t believe there is a guy here with flip flops on (I know I am kind of obsessed with that topic).  What I am trying to say is just talk to the guy, he will talk back to you.  After a few minutes of conversation you just need to spit out step 5 and get it over with.  Step 5. Ask him if he has a girlfriend, if he does.  That sucks.  ABORT! ABORT!  You don’t want to be the other woman, its not fun.  You also don’t want the girlfriend to show up and have things be super awkward.  If he says “I am just getting out of a relationship” then it sounds like baggage to me so I would abort in that case as well.  BUT!  If he says no, then carry on.  Enjoy your drink, but read his body language if he doesn’t smile, or look you in the eyes when he talks to you or look at you at all while you are talking then well… he isn’t having it.  But I am telling you, that has never happened.   Step 6. After a great conversation, say “you should give me your number so we can grab another drink sometime”  its that easy.  Just do it!  He gives you his number.  Score.  My point is, sometimes you just have to step up.  The guys that you really want to date if you are anything like me are usually not the type to go up to a woman and just start hitting on her.  You usually have to let them know you are interested first.  I swear it works.  So try it.  Indie hotties are different than your average man.  You have to warm them up and then the possibilities are endless. Thank you,  Management 

So I was on the phone with a very good girlfriend of mine and after a long conversation that went late into the night it finally turned to guys.  Now this friend of mine is beautiful, like super hot.  We grew up together and when I was in an awkward, unattractive, chunky phase in my life hanging out with her gave me confidence so it was weird to listen to her tell me how unconfident she is when it comes to men.  I asked her where here balls were.  Where are they?  Where have they gone?  She couldn’t give me an answer.  I am a moderately attractive person now and I don’t have a problem getting dates.  But I wasn’t always like this.  Getting here was a process.  No I didn’t go under the knife, but I just finally decided that men are FAR more simple than women make them out to be (sorry fellas).  

So I am going to tell you the steps that I take when I find a man that I am attracted to.  Its pretty simple and I hope that it helps.  You may say… “yeah right, she doesn’t do this”.  But… I do.  Want to know why?  Because I have balls.  And what is the worst thing they are going to do?  Say no?  

Step 1.

You see a hottie at the bar, party, job (that can be risky) that you are at.  You need to instantly make eye contact.  Just look him in the eyes damnit!  This makes him aware of your presence.  He may look away really quickly, and thats okay.  Most guys are shy and if he just keeps looking at you then he is probably a clinger in which case find another hottie.

Step 2.

If you see him sitting at the bar waiting for a drink then go over.  But don’t talk to him right away.  Let him order a drink first then make a comment on it.  Like if he orders a Grey Goose and soda when he gets the drink say something really lame like.. “I’m a Kettle One girl myself, this will never work”.  I know, I know it seems reallllllly lame.  But its a joke and honestly if a guy did that to me I would be like ummm.  But there is a double standard for women THANK GOD.  With the research I have done it usually works like a charm.  He will laugh, or at least smile which is when you can check out his teeth and make sure there isn’t anything missing.  

Step 3.

Walk away.  Get your drink and walk away.  I DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR EXCUSE IS JUST WALK AWAY GO BACK TO YOUR FRIENDS.  This will leave him in a state of question.  He will look over to see where you went.

Step 4. 

Forget about him, because if he didn’t offer to buy your drink then he isn’t interested.  

JUST KIDDING!

But stay away for a bit then after you have finished that glass of liquid courage go back over for another one.  Order your drink and then just talk to him about anything that comes to your mind.  If you like his shirt tell him that you like hit shirt.  If there is a guy wearing flip flops at the bar tell him that you can’t believe there is a guy here with flip flops on (I know I am kind of obsessed with that topic).  What I am trying to say is just talk to the guy, he will talk back to you.  After a few minutes of conversation you just need to spit out step 5 and get it over with. 

Step 5.

Ask him if he has a girlfriend, if he does.  That sucks.  ABORT! ABORT!  You don’t want to be the other woman, its not fun.  You also don’t want the girlfriend to show up and have things be super awkward.  If he says “I am just getting out of a relationship” then it sounds like baggage to me so I would abort in that case as well.  BUT!  If he says no, then carry on.  Enjoy your drink, but read his body language if he doesn’t smile, or look you in the eyes when he talks to you or look at you at all while you are talking then well… he isn’t having it.  But I am telling you, that has never happened.  

Step 6.

After a great conversation, say “you should give me your number so we can grab another drink sometime”  its that easy.  Just do it!  He gives you his number.  Score. 

My point is, sometimes you just have to step up.  The guys that you really want to date if you are anything like me are usually not the type to go up to a woman and just start hitting on her.  You usually have to let them know you are interested first.  I swear it works.  So try it.  Indie hotties are different than your average man.  You have to warm them up and then the possibilities are endless.

Thank you, 

Management